so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
