I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
