is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
