my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
