apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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