I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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