Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
