you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
