Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
