Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
