So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
