His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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