why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
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I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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