I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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