One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
