I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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