JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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