The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
