that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
