I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
