but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
