please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
