Farmville is her only friend.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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