do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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