my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
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no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
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Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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