If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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