My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
