fuck your aforementioned shoe
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
