I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
