how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
