Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
