i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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