How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
