Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
