I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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