Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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