kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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