ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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