My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
