I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
