i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
