How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
