Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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