I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
