My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
