It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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