My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
