She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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