Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
