DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
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We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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