um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
