wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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