the condom got lost in my hair
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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