Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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