he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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