Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
