update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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